Hello Everyone,
For the last couple weeks we’ve been talking about how we are to live life together as the body of Christ. How are we to treat each other? What things do we seek to avoid? What do we cling to?
This week we looked at the problem of anger. The direction we get from God in Ephesians 4:26 is that we are to not delay but deal and work through our anger. This isn’t always easy.
One thing I alluded to in the sermon was that our anger is often a spotlight on the things we really hold dear. If we look at the things we get angry about, often times we’ll see, underneath it all – that something we hold dear is threatened. It can be our comfort; a loved one; our safety; our desire to succeed. Sometimes things hurt and we get angry. Sometimes we are frightened and we don’t like to feel that way which induces anger in us.
Think back to the most recent time you’ve been angry. What was it that you were angry about? What happened?
Now think about this….. What did this situation threaten in you? Let me give you an example. My son and I recently had conflict. I got upset with him because he didn’t want to clean his room. Sounds pretty normal. What kid wants to clean their room? He was complaining and I got really upset. Let him have it. I needed to stop and think through what happened. My inner conversation went something like this:

– “Well Ryan, that wasn’t the best response. Why are you so mad?”
– He should be willing to clean his room without making this some big dramatic event! I’m sick of it. It’s not like we are asking him to do something unfair, or unheard of!
– Do you like cleaning your room? Or cleaning anything for that matter?
– No.
– Then why should you think he would love it? After all – he’s just like you.
– I know, I just, don’t want to deal with this right now…
– Why?
– It’s inconvenient, it’s Saturday morning, I just want it to get done so we could go to the orthodontist and then get on with the rest of our very full day.
– So you’re mad because William is acting in a way that is inconvenient to you?
– Are you suggesting that his behavior should be allowed?
– No. But I’m suggesting there may be a more constructive way to help him see that he needs to choose a different behavior. Because you yelling at him isn’t going to get it done – but if you choose a more constructive method – it means you’ll need to be inconvenienced. We both know yelling at William doesn’t get through to him the way sitting with him, asking him questions and reasoning through this does… And we both know that in the end, It usually takes him two to three times as long to get done what you want him to when you are yelling.
– sigh.. you’re right again… thank you inner Ryan
– you’re welcome outer Ryan. 🙂

That’s just a quick example of how our inner conversation can look – it doesn’t have to look that way for you – but there are several things going on in that conversation:
Admitting what really made me angry – (I’m frustrated with Will’s resistance to cleaning willingly)
Admitting what was threatened (My desire for comfort and efficiency)
Admitting William is a child and has every right to hate cleaning as much as I do (Which is trying to see things through his eyes)
Looking at alternatives for my behavior to constructively work through my anger with my son. (Calmly choosing how to direct my anger)
This can all happen in a very short time, or it may take some time to sit down and think this through. I know when my wife and I have conflict that sometimes we need to take a moment to move away from each other – to pray and think through these 4 things I listed above, then we can come back together and work through our conflict. It’s not always easy! Incidentally – I went to William and apologized for the way I expressed my anger then sat down and calmly tried to express what frustrated me. I also asked him this question:

“Will – do you think I enjoy cleaning?”
He said: “I don’t know..”
I said – “I don’t… I hate cleaning. I’d rather do anything in the world than clean. Do you feel the same way?”
“Yes”
“William can you see that if I hate cleaning as much as you do – how it would be frustrating for me to clean up your stuff? I don’t like even cleaning my own stuff!”
“Yea.”

We began to build a connection here and we had a very productive conversation. I wish every conversation went that way! 🙂

My point in all of this is to give you a picture of how I’ve been wrestling with this concept and to maybe give some of you who wrestle with anger – a picture that might be helpful.

Anger has big time destructive potential but it can also be a powerful catalyst for change and good. I pray that it might move us into deeper self understanding; and stronger community – rather than hurt and division.

This week my invitation to you is to consider if you are carrying anger. Maybe you’ve held anger for years. It might be time to consider what was threatened when you were angered and what has kept you holding it for all this time. This may need to be something you discuss with a counselor – or with some good friends whom you know you can trust. I am also happy to meet with you if you need a listening ear to think through some of these things. I’m not a licensed therapist – but I am listening ear, and am here for you.
The truth is, we need to be a community that roots out anger and doesn’t allow it to direct us. I pray for the Lord’s blessing on you this week!

Pastor Ryan